My husband and I have been together a decade today, and blimey have we crammed a load of stuff into those years. One wedding, two kids, two house moves, two job changes, one cat, a bit of shouting, tears but lots of laughter.
These days, it’s quite common to hear of thirty-somethings who, after putting off starting a family, make massive life changes within a short space of time. Particularly with women, who put maximum effort to establish their careers before becoming a mother. I remember feeling very nervous because I thought I’d be the eldest mum-to-be at our ante-natal classes. I was pleasantly surprised to find, not only was I technically not the eldest, there was only a few years age difference between us. Same story at the school gate, most of the parents are around my age.
We resisted the urge to have two kids in two years as some people of our generation have done. That’s not a criticism. However, you choose to space the baby-making has pros or cons in my view. The parents who bottlenecked babies and toddlers, have now happily jettisoned them to school and go on with their lives. We’re coming out of that foggy phase of unpredictable routine, mood swings and never having enough energy or time to anything, including finishing a sentence.
Just before I met my husband, I had made the decision not to ‘settle down’, not to have children. I was starting to resent the role which society apparently had picked out for me. I started to feel the expectation I should partner up and have kids. The judgements aren’t so obvious these days. People generally understand it’s unacceptable to declare a woman a childless spinster. But it doesn’t mean they don’t imply it with their language. Family members asking if “I’ve found a fella yet.” Yet. Like asking if I found my first grey hairs.
The honest truth is, having a husband and children hasn’t ‘completed’ my life. It’s a chapter. We created a family and the whole experience has given me fresh perspective, new ideas and helped me discover things about myself, what I’m capable of. Being a mother prompted me to rethink my career and long-term goals. It was right for me (in the end). And I will argue I wouldn’t have taken the plunge to have kids but for my husband and the relationship we have. But that’s a decision everyone must make on their own. Without the dated and opressive view that stability equals family life.
That’s what I’ve learned in the last ten years. Keep an open mind. And next time you have a conversation with an unmarried thirty-something, don’t project your life on to them. Watch your language.
