If like me you have ever opted to try online dating, you will already understand my question. There are hundreds, possibly thousands, of dating sites worldwide now, with many specialising in areas like single parents, widows, women looking for sugar daddies and of course many for casual sex.
A friend recently told me that their friend had been paying to be on a ‘serious’ dating site because, like most of us, she thought it would be more likely to consist of men that wanted to find long term partners, as surely nobody wants to pay fees to use a site for casual sex when there are loads of free sex sites they could use?!
Unfortunately this friend found that there were still a lot of men on these expensive sites that were just after a bit of how’s your father, and even worse, some of them were pretending they wanted to find a relationship. What on earth goes on in some people’s minds is beyond me. I too have had a similar experience of men claiming to want more than they really did just to get in my pants, but only on free sites.
I would never pay for a dating site, purely because I don’t see the point when there are hundreds of free ones I can use. I have occasionally used their free trials and noticed some of the men on there are ones I have seen (and avoided) on the free sites as they were clearly after one thing, and it wasn’t marriage.
It hasn’t stopped me wondering whether or not there are more men on the expensive sites that are genuinely looking for love, and I am actually testing out a site which I shall be reviewing next month for you guys as we speak! In the meantime, I have been wondering why some men would choose to hunt for casual sex on these more serious sites instead of sticking with the sites where they know women are on the same page as them.
Part of me thinks some would prefer to play a game to win their prize, rather then just have it handed to them on a plate. To put my theory to the test, I asked some men (who of course shall remain anonymous) on some dating sites and good old Twitter to tell me why they think some men do this.
I was surprised, and at times a little appalled by some of the answers, like this one: “Because after sex women become boring and whiny”. This guy clearly has commitment issues or he has the mental maturity of a toddler.
Some of the responses I got were quite reassuring though, including this one from a guy on a free Facebook dating group: “For me I use these sites to find someone- to talk sex disrespects women in my opinion”. However due to hearing the other comments, even as I write this I’m questioning whether this guy was just saying that to play the game to try to look like something he is not- after all he was talking to me on a dating site! Wow, I really have become an online dating pessimist haven’t I?!
There was one guy that said something very poignant to me, which made me see it in a totally different light: “I think in truth the casual sex sites scare a lot of men to death. On a dating site they can be the predators, whereas on a sex site if that’s all a woman wants then the female of the species can be extremely forthright and scare to death the would-be Don Juans.”
This makes total sense to me, because there are still a lot of guys out there who still think that men and women have traditional roles in the dating world. You know the ones- they think men should be the ones to ask women on dates, and that men can be lotharios but women are seen as dirty if they choose to have meaningless sex with people. Yeah THEM.
So to them, a woman openly asking to use them would just not be sexy, so they pretend on serious sites in order to get the response they are after.
What I try to remind myself when I have these moments of feeling despondent with dating sites, is that not all men think that way. Like me, there are genuine people on these serious sites that want to find someone, and for whatever reason are using a website in order to do so.
I will leave you with one of the responses that I think summed up the answer to my question perfectly whilst making me giggle. It will probably lead me to a post attempting to answer it in the future; “The question you should ask is why do some women think men are after anything else?”
Would love to hear your views on this, please feel free to comment below.
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