Chelle’s partner pops in to have a whinge! Here are Gav’s Top 10 Truly Dreadful Christmas Songs
Christmas music – you either love it or hate it. I personally have a fondness for it that probably goes way beyond the call of duty – which is why when I overhear people complaining about how bad this or that festive song on the radio is I feel a little sad. Apart from anything else, it’s rare that the REALLY bad stuff gets played. Don’t believe me? Then you really should have a listen to these…put up the christmas tree, drink a little spirit and have a dance!
10 – What Do You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)? – The Star Wars Intergalactic Droid Choir and Chorale
A stand-out track and the only single from 1980’s “Christmas in the Stars” Star Wars album. This poignant and topical ditty is crying out for a barber shop quartet somewhere to do it proper justice.
Sample lyric: “Oh, he doesn’t need a clip tie and he doesn’t use shaving foam”
9 – The Millennium Prayer – Cliff Richard
Now let me make one thing clear: I am NOT a Cliff basher. In fact I’ll go further and admit that I can’t see ANYTHING wrong with the harmless family friendly festive sing-a-long that is ’Mistletoe and Wine’ – but this is something else entirely and when I see or hear it, I too start to see red mist. So bad EMI wouldn’t release it (independent label Papillon did), this still reached number one – equipped with a video seemingly designed to encourage viewers to throw darts at television screens. Proceed with caution.
8 – Bo Selecta – Proper Crimbo
As David St Hubbins once noted, it’s such a fine line between stupid and clever – and opinion on the Leigh Francis TV show is often divided. In the case of this hideous waste of talent (check out the sheer number of guests in the video who really should know better) the line is abandoned completely. The whole thing feels like having to humour a loud and unfunny party guest who’s determined to draw attention to themselves.
Sample lyric: “So excited you might wee, Proper Crimbo (Proper Crimbo)”
7 – Grandma Got Run Over By Reindeer by Elmo and Patsy
Something of a weird one – a comedy record that’s SO bad at being funny it kind of disappears off the scale and re-appears, having become funny for a completely different reason. Incredibly, this inspired a TV Special as well a follow-up single that follows Grandpa’s legal battle with Santa.
Sample lyric: “She’d been drinkin’ too much Egg Nog and we begged her not to go, But she’d left her medication so she stumbled out the door into the snow”
6 – Cyndi Lauper – Christmas Conga
Cyndi Lauper is, to my mind, one of the more interesting and unique pop acts the eighties gave the world – who you should underestimate at your peril. Unfortunately this foray into dodgy euro-cheese isn’t going to change anyone’s mind in a hurry. Oh, and beware the earworm….
Sample lyric: “Bonga Bonga Bonga, do the Christmas conga”
5 – Dennis Waterman and George Cole – What Are We Gonna Get ‘Er Indoors?
Anyone old enough to remember the eighties will know it was a popular time for TV-related novelty records – explaining why this (essentially a dialogue between the two main characters from “Minder” over an acme festive backing track) got to number 26 in the charts. And this was when you actually needed to sell a LOT of copies to get in the top 30….
Sample lyric: “I’ll throw her a Tupperware party”…” That’s like getting a television that only shows Russell Harty”
4 – John Denver – Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk On Christmas)
Neatly encapsulating a whole host of redneck clichés and preconceptions about country music in two and a half minutes of festive heartbreak – this is a song with a serious message but one that’s very hard to sing along to with a straight face.
Sample lyric: “You came home at a quarter past eleven, fell down underneath our Christmas tree”
3 – The Christmas Shoes – Newsong
Christian Rock band Newsong don’t so much tug at as viciously assault the heartstrings in this fictional tale of a man who, whilst waiting at a Christmas checkout line encounters a boy wearing ragged clothes, carrying only a pair of shoes for his dying mother so she can look her best when she meets Jesus – leading the man to somehow to understand the ‘true meaning of Christmas’. A moving record in all the wrong ways, this is fast becoming the stuff of legend amongst online music bloggers. Not even a South Park spoof could cram so much cliché and exploitation into 5 minutes. Astounding.
Sample lyric: “Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time…”
2 – The Cheeky Girls – Boys and Girls (Christmas Time Love)
An adaptation of Sabrina’s 80s hit “Boys (Summertime Love)” that actually manages to out-naff the original, aided by soap actor Andy Newton-Lee on guest vocals. There’s not much I can add here – this REALLY does what it says on the tin. The video also is a kitsch triumph of sorts.
Sample lyric: “Shake your bums, left and right, Ooo ah ha, dance all night”
1 – New Kids on the Block, “Funky, Funky Xmas.”
This is the kind of awful that simply doesn’t happen by design – it takes a very special kind of Christmas magic and a group with the particular kind of, erm, ‘talent’ – that New Kids possess in bucket-loads to make something this rubbish. Initially intriguing, this soon becomes a seasonal endurance test that will have you running back to Slade begging for forgiveness in no time. Perfect for playing at those festive guests who’ve overstayed their welcome just a little too long.
Sample Lyric – “Throw your hands in the air, pause, Kick the ballistics Santa Claus”
So what will be the playlist to your Christmas? And what do you sing along to on the car stereo on your Christmas travels?
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